Blog by Dr. Jen Joseph, Therapist in Midtown NYC.
Most of my single patients complain about online dating. I hear that it’s impersonal, superficial, and difficult to find someone you connect with. And then, if you are lucky enough to find a connection with someone and go out on a date, you have to tolerate a lot of feelings including potential disappointment or rejection. These experiences are enough to make anyone wonder if it’s worth it to bother with online dating, at all.
While no one else can go on dates for you, I do think your attitude toward online dating can make a big difference. Here are 6 ideas to make online dating more tolerable, and dare I say, enjoyable.
When you are looking at dating profiles, do you pay attention to how you feel? First impressions aren’t everything. However, rather than focusing on your thoughts and judging someone’s profile, what if you slow down and notice how you feel when you read about a potential match? Pay close attention to whether or not you feel drawn towards someone, and want to know more about him, feel unsure, or feel repelled and want to move on. But, wait! Before you swipe right or swipe left, here’s an opportunity to slow down a moment and get curious. Ask yourself, what is it about this man that makes me want to learn more about him? Or, What about this woman makes me unsure or even want to get away? If you can identify some of what it is, then you are more likely to go on dates with others who have more of what you are looking for.
Additionally, if you approach a date with the attitude that no matter what, you’ll learn some things about yourself, then you come out ahead. Staying curious in yourself, how you feel when interacting with others, and curious to learn something are strategies that may help you cope with your potential disappointment if it doesn’t work out.
Once you start to communicate with someone, continue to pay attention to how you feel throughout the process. If a man or woman asks you out, what does your intuition or inner voice say? Do you think you really want to meet him or her, or are you forcing or pressuring yourself to go because you think you “should”? Sometimes knowing the difference can be confusing. For example, initially you may find a person physically attractive, but something inside of you is repelled. Or you may be initially unsure about someone, but you feel comfortable with him when you talk with him or her and can be yourself. If you are pressuring yourself to go out with someone, like so many of us, you may be hoping that when you meet up, you will feel differently. Unfortunately, that rarely happens. In other words, do you think you may be forcing yourself to go out with men or women that don’t feel good to you, initially? If so, this may be contributing to online dating burn-out.
Being vulnerable with others, especially new people, is often scary. It can be hard to tap into our feelings on dates when we are anxious about whether or not someone may or may not like us. Do you ever give a woman or a man a chance because you feel drawn to her or him for some reason, even if initially unsure about his or her attractiveness in a photo? Rather than turn someone down because your head says that they aren’t attractive (or whatever else) enough, what if the real reason you are turning someone down is because it feels easier to stay safe (and alone) than to risk being with someone that makes you feel good? Kind of like I stated earlier, what if you trust your feelings to guide you? It may feel much more risky to do this, but if you really want to find someone to connect with, you have to be willing to risk being vulnerable with others, which includes potentially getting hurt. The good news is when we feel cared for and respected, it’s usually worth the risk.
What would it be like if you thought of initial online dates as an opportunity to possibly make a new friend? Instead of going on a date with a list of questions that you plan to get through, why not allow the process of getting to know someone else, treating it as if it were a friendship, unfold? It may be anxiety provoking to meet up with someone for the first time, but approaching dating with an attitude that you may make a new friend may take the pressure off and help you to neutralize your fear of wasting your time.
If you find yourself on a date and can tell right away that you aren’t interested, do you feel comfortable telling the person s/he’s not for you, in a kind way, and then exiting? Sometimes I hear that people feel uncomfortable and guilty saying no. If this sounds like you, you probably have a lot of empathy for others, and are aware of how hurtful it is to feel rejected. You may have difficulty saying no to others, in general. I want to invite you to consider the possibility that even though the other person may feel hurt by your rejection, it is usually easier to hear a “no thank you” than to be left wondering what’s happened. Plus, saying no and exiting gracefully from a date that doesn’t feel right, is one step closer to finding what you want. Saying no frees you up to someone new.
If you find that you don’t have enough people in your life whom you can talk to about dating, you may want to consider going to a qualified psychotherapist. I have seen over and over again in my practice that once people are in therapy, they very typically end up meeting someone right for them. While there are no guarantees, talk therapy can help you to better identify what you want, what you don’t want, and the roadblocks that get in your way. Talk therapy can also help you develop greater confidence and resilience to ultimately find what you are looking for.
Individual therapy is not the only form of talk therapy. Participation in a well-run therapy group is another effective way to deepen your self-awareness about what keeps you from having the kind of the relationships that you want. Group therapy provides you with here-and-now experiences to practice tolerating uncomfortable feelings, a better understanding of your feelings, and how to express yourself. Group therapy also gives you many opportunities to practice communicating with others about what you are honestly thinking and feeling. Membership in a group allows you to practice giving and receiving feedback, which can be very illuminating and useful in dating.
*For more information, questions, or to set up a consultation appointment, please contact: Jennifer C. Joseph, PsyD, CGP at dr.jenjoseph@gmail.com.
